The Fat Boys Full English Reviews

If you're looking to find the best place for a Full English in the South Shropshire / North Herefordshire area then this is the website for you.

Latest Visit: The Fishermans Arms, Docklow Pools

According to Chubster, Stout and Lardy (CS&L), aka the Fat Boys, together with many world-renown medical consultants and highly qualified dieticians, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Furthermore, CS&L would add that a proper Full English is the best possible breakfast for hard-working men, although C&S happen to be enjoying leisurely retirements, this is immaterial to our important research. Despite CS&L having aged gracefully and still considered to be prime physical specimens of athletic manhood, doctors believe that all men, regardless of their age and condition, need a varied diet and regular exercise; consequently, a decent Full English not only ensures that sufficient essential nutrients, along with one or two vital calories, are successfully absorbed, but also that the digestive tract is given a good work out, literally from top to bottom.

Over the last couple of years, in the cause of essential gastronomic research, CS&L have visited a number of eating establishments in the South Shropshire and North Herefordshire area to determine which one offers the best Full English breakfast. It’s been tough, demanding work, but we were not deterred in this vital mission to assist all those who, like us, have a discerning gastronomic, cordon bleu palate and need a Full English to provide sufficient fuel for a day's hard work, or in our case gently sleeping off the side effects.

To begin with it’s worth establishing the criteria we considered when we set about determining the best place to visit for a Full English; in our carefully considered assessments it was often minor issues that resulted in lost points, but for CS&L it’s these small details that make all the difference.

To ensure an accurate comparison for the review, the Full English provided to CS&L by the particular establishment should ideally have included the following items:

Bacon
At least one slice of decent, dry cured, unsmoked back bacon, with only a little fat and rind, should have been provided. The bacon should have been freshly grilled and when served must not display any white water marks; extra points were awarded for more than one slice in a regular portion. Ideally the bacon should have been sourced from a decent local butcher, not from some cheapskate wholesaler - we can taste the difference.
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Sausage
At least one quality grilled sausage must have be provided, again from a decent local butcher, and not from some cheapskate wholesaler. In many of the numerous Full English breakfasts sampled by CS&L, the sausage delivered was often the Achilles heel in an otherwise reasonably decent offering. CS&L consider that nothing spoils a Full English more than a cheap, tasteless, standard catering sausage from some cheapskate wholesaler - so don’t do it! We will always pay for for an upgraded sausage. Word of warning - providing a different quantity of decent sausages to either C, S but not L, or the other way around, could easily result in a long-standing dispute that will need careful independent arbitration to successfully resolve.

Black Pudding
At least one reasonably sized piece of black pudding is essential. Just for the record, a proper Full English must include black pudding, however, certain men (wimps) may choose to decline to consume this historic English delicacy, in which case they should still order it and then immediately hand it over to a colleague with a stronger constitution. It was difficult to differentiate between most of the black puddings we sampled - which was encouraging.

Hash Browns
Of course, many people would criticise the inclusion of hash Browns in a Full English, but I believe we should make an exception for this foreign intrusion as they compliment the rest of the components perfectly. CS&L believe that one hash brown is never quite enough, unless it’s of sufficient girth. Hash browns always come straight out of the freezer, so it’s vital they are cooked sufficiently and must be slightly crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. A hash brown that simply fell apart as soon as it was stabbed with a fork will always incur our displeasure and lose points. Even we can cook a decent hash brown, given sufficient time and motivation, which unfortunately is usually lacking.

Grilled Tomato
Note the emphasis on the word grilled. Tomatoes come out of the fridge and CS&L have often encountered tomatoes that were insufficiently grilled; the result was a tomato that, once the usual excavation had commenced, was virtually raw and cold below the middle, consequently, the easy solution is just to grill both the top and the bottom properly - simples!

Mushrooms
In a decent Full English only fresh, button mushrooms, fried in a little butter, should be included, by all means add some light seasoning if necessary. However, what we considered unacceptable was a single, large, floppy mushroom that looked well past its best and tasted as though it had been discovered festering at the back of someone's sock drawer.

Baked Beans
There’s no discussion on this topic - a proper Full English absolutely must include a reasonable portion of decent quality baked beans. At one establishment, instead of being given proper baked beans, we were served something the chef had apparently concocted as a substitute. This monstrosity consisted of a small cold dish of various obscure foreign beans, mixed with a thin tomato sauce. We assume this dish was provided because the chef considered it was beneath his culinary dignity to serve proper baked beans, but the result tasted utterly disgusting and, after a trying a very small portion, was immediately discarded. Note to all chefs: CS&L again restate that baked beans must always be included in a proper Full English - no argument - or at the very least they must be offered as an option.

Nevertheless, some people take the positioning of baked beans on their plate very seriously, as one pseudonymous contributor remarked on the London Review of Breakfasts blog:

Beans are to the cooked breakfast as the Dutch mercenary forces were to the Royal Netherlands Indies Army. Keep them in check and they will perform unglamorous, but vital tasks about the empire of the fry up; sweetening sausage, lubricating toast …… Exert insufficient discipline upon them, however, and they will soon exhibit their mania for chaos …….. they engulf an egg …… they drown bacon …….. Your breakfast paradise becomes a gooey mess.

Fried Egg
A single fried egg is an essential component of a Full English, although additional fried eggs should also be available as an option if required. The fried egg provided must not be overcooked, in other words, the yolk must always be runny when it is served. Scrambled or poached eggs are not a component of a proper Full English breakfast.

Fried Bread or Toast
Either fried bread or toast and butter must be included. Since neither CS&L are not particular connoisseurs of fried bread and, as our particular contribution towards helping the climate emergency, we will normally decline this delicacy; nevertheless, if no other option is available we have been known to force it down. Since a large chunk of hard, over-cooked fried bread can be difficult to consume without causing damage to the vital lining of the oesophagus, it is essential it is gently fried and presented appropriately.

When toast is the preferred option, which it usually is, there should be a choice between decent quality granary, brown or white bread, ideally from a local baker, rather than some cheap, thin, mass-produced, white sliced bread. Also, when providing toast give the customer the option of a side plate, rather than just dumping the toast on top of the meal, after all, CS&L are gourmet diners and standards must be maintained.
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Kidneys
Gourmet diners like CS&L have been known to consume devilled kidneys on toast whilst attending a shooting weekend on a friend's large estate in the adjacent countryside, however, you will be hard-pressed to find these delicious bits of offal available at the eating establishments we now frequent; furthermore, they don't really go well with a Full English.

Fried Potato Slices, Chips, Bubble & Squeak, Waffles and Potato Cakes,
CS&L have occasionally noticed a rather disturbing trend for certain establishments to offer either fried potato slices or, god forbid, chips with a Full English. The addition of unseemly ‘children's tea-time food’ to a classic working-mans Full English is just plain wrong and should be avoided at all costs. Bubble & Squeak is ideal for using up left-over vegetables on Boxing Day but should not be an addition to a classic Full English. Waffles should always be served separately, probably to young children at tea time and in England, Irish Potato Cakes should never degrade a Full English, the clue is in the title: Full ENGLISH.

Drinks
Decent quality tea and coffee are an absolute must. Ideally, the staff should confirm in advance if extra strong ‘builders’ tea is required. A proper coffee machine must also be installed to ensure the product is of the appropriate standard. Providing powered instant ‘mouse droppings’ coffee is completely unacceptable. Decent sized mugs are always preferable to small namby-pamby china cups and saucers. Sugar and low-calorie sweeteners should be freely available on the table. A bottle of chilled orange juice should also be an option if CS&L are feeling particularly healthy, which is unusual.

Hot Plates and Spillage
Having gone to all the trouble of cooking a decent Full English, why spoil it by delivering the food on a cold plate? It takes time to savour and devour a decent Full English, so a reasonably sized hot plate is essential to ensure the food can be fully appreciated whilst remaining warm. Also, tackling a decent-sized Full English requires a certain level of personal commitment, no little courage and a degree of manual dexterity, consequently, if the plate it is presented on is just too small, then some spillage is always likely to occur; bearing this in mind, CS&L avoid wearing posh clothes, particularly a clean white shirt and snazzy tie, although Stout usually wears shorts and a T-shirt all year round anyway.

Meal Size Options, Pricing and Tipping
To ensure a high score in our review, a regular breakfast must always include at least one of all the listed items, but the more portions the merrier. Ideally, other costed size options should be available, ie: large with double portions and huge with treble portions - a colossal quadruple portion-sized Full English is probably best avoided for those with a slightly sensitive constitution. Purely for research purposes, CS&L once sampled an extra-large Full English and it nearly defeated them …….. but not quite. A regular Full English should always be priced below £10. Satisfied customers should always leave an appropriate tip, after all, we're not complete savages you know.

Cutlery, Napkins and Condiments
A clean knife and fork and a paper napkin is not too much to ask. Furthermore, the napkin must be of sufficient size to cover certain essential bodily parts that are externally attached and might be subject to serious damage if hot food is inadvertently applied. Salt and pepper, brown and tomato sauces must always be available, although CS&L consider that brown or red sauce rather overpowers the delicate taste of a quality Full English.

Table, Chairs and Surroundings
The table must be clean and of sufficient size to accommodate the food and drink without causing a dispute about encroachment between consumers and also without any visible detritus from the previous occupants; a clean, starched, white linen tablecloth is an optional extra, but probably best avoided - see spillage above. Chairs should always be of sufficient width and strong enough to accommodate a customer of extra-large girth without collapsing under the strain. There should always be sufficient space between tables and chairs to ensure that, following the consumption of a large Full English, customers can manage to extradite themselves from their seats without causing themselves, or adjacent customers, serious injury. CS&L like to pass the meal by engaging in vital, intellectual discussions, so avoid having loud music or a TV disturbing our important philosophical debates. A lit log burner in winter always adds to the enjoyment of this vital meal, but don't try and burn unseasoned wet wood from a garage - it's nearly always no good.

Mobile Phones
CS&L consider that however convenient, mobile phones are one of the banes of life in 21st century England, particularly if they nosily interrupt our enjoyment of a Full English. We believe that all eating establishments should have a blanket ban on mobile phones which should be immediately switched off on entering. If this fails to have the desired effect, we recommend purchasing an Israeli mobile phone jammer from the dark web - we normally make sure our jammer is switched on before we enter the premises - you have been warned.

Toilets
By law the proprietors of eating establishments serving a Full English must provide appropriate toilet facilities. Heath & Safety Warning: Considering the potential after effects of consuming a Full English, CS&L would advise proprietors that only having a single mixed-sex toilet facility available may well result in women of a nervous disposition having to immediately go to another toilet elsewhere. Plenty of spare toilet rolls and a fully charged working air freshener are essential and must always be available.

Here are some examples of various Full English breakfasts

On Thursday 16th January 2020, whilst engaged in attending to my regular morning ablutions, I read a disturbing report on page 11 of the Daily Mail (and if it’s in the Daily Mail it must be true) that the younger, snow-flake generation say they have never eaten a proper Full English.

According to the Mail’s report, 17% of the current under 30s say they have never enjoyed a Full English, with most being turned off by that classic English delicacy - black pudding; a fifth say they associate the dish with heart attacks, a quarter believe it’s too greasy and more than four in ten say it reminds them of men wearing string vests whilst eating in transport cafes. Of course transport cafes attract a certain type of customer, often foreign HGV drivers who are most unlikely to consume a Full English and will instead just eat bread, smelly cheese and unhealthy spicy dried meat. We only visited one local establishment that could possibly be considered as a transport cafe and absolutely none of the customers wore a string vest that was visible under their stained and torn work dungarees.

Furthermore, the Mail’s report noted that, according to the snow-flakes, rather than appreciating the delicate flavour of a Full English, seven in ten would rather tuck into smoked salmon and scrambled eggs, smashed avocado on toast and oatmeal pancakes - one in twenty said they would even prefer muesli. I’m almost lost for words at this depressing development. Clearly the backbone and stiff upper lip that served this country so well through two world wars, not to mention the steely character and iron constitution that enabled those noble servicemen and women who prevented the Soviet Red Army hoards from storming through the soft underbelly of the North German Plain during the Cold War, by drinking themselves senseless on pints of Warsteiner in the bar of the nearest NAAFI, are completely absent from this new snow-flake generation.

Should this worrying trend continue to take root, it could spell the end of the classic Full English and culinary civilisation as we know it; therefore, I would urge all true, patriotic Englishmen and women to resist this disgraceful change to our countries eating habits and consume a regular Full English as frequently as your digestive system will stand, or until you snuff it from a heart attack, whichever comes first.

Sadly it appears the current snowflake generation will probably never get to appreciate the benefits of a Full English, as they have probably been raised on a regular diet of Mcdonald's burgers; however, a solution is at hand - a Full English toasted sandwich- perhaps a little difficult to consume, but I would be willing to try. This delicacy should be on McDonald's new menu in 2021 as a speciality item.